We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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