I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
