Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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