haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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