I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
