apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
