remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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