if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize