once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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