no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
