i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
