um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
pray to the hookup gods
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
