This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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