I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
