He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize