I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
