The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
