I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
