I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
They took my balls.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
