Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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