I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
FUCK WHALES
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
