I am full of burrito and curiosity
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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