I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
