My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
