so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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