I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
