I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
