I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
