i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
