Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
