My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
