counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
