my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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