He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
