I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize