I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
