i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
