This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize