Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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