I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
