Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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