When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
