he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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