something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
