i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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