i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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