I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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