if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize