He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ttyl tear gas
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
What drink are we having for lunch?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
