I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
