Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
