Can Purell be used as lube?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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