I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
