I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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