On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
