Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
