oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
