I wish my penis had an off switch
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize