New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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