Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
